My mother really didn't want me to have a baby and so she took me to a hospital to have one. When we got there I was crying and I told them no I'm not having a abortion I want my baby and they all tried to talk me into it and still I said no. My mother and one of the nurses went to another room to talk and I sat there happy because I had in my mine that they were going to leave me alone and I could go home soon. My mother and the nurse came back and the nurses said ok you want your baby you have to get checked out so the baby will be ok so take you pants off and go get on the bed so the doctor can check you. So I said OK, I didn't realize they had started the first the of the procedure. I heard the nurses tell my mother that they couldn't do it because I was to far a long I was 5 months and they could only do it to 4 months so that's why I don't think they were doing that. After the first procedure I was in so much pain and the baby kicked all night. The next day was the abortion it was like the baby knew what was going to happen to her. She was moving around every were and then that stop when the doctor stuck me with a needle in the stomach and gave her a dose of some type of medication. Her kick wasn't strong anymore and then I remember them tell me to push and with one push she came out and they put her in a bucket next to me then the nurses asked me if I want to see her and I said yes please!! and so she let me see her and I couldn't believe she was still alive. I said to the nurses she still alive help her and she said she not alive she's dead I said no she moving and she looked into the bucket and took her and walked await o this day I don't want to believe she's dead how could someone kill a baby a human. I really didn't want a abortion and I wish I could sue these people for want they did to me and my little girl.

Hello. My name is Autumn Carter. I am a 16 year old junior,cheerleader,and
recovering student in a Catholic PRO-LIFE high school, who just had her first
(and LAST) abortion on December 15, 2000, at a Cincinnati, Ohio, women's
clinic.
At age 15, I met my first love (name not mentioned) at the high school in
which I currently attend. He came into my life at a time during which my
family was going through severe family problems. He was there for me at my
lowest point, for months and never complained or asked for ANYTHING in
return-but my heart. A little bit after, I realized that at the young-ripe
age of 15, I was feeling the most beautiful feeling that a person can feel. I
struggled for many months later with whether I was in love or not, and to my
surprise it turned out that indeed- I was. During this time, my relationship
with my boyfriend grew stronger. Now, of course we went through our bad
times, but it is true, that true love never gives up. He had also just
experienced a hurtful family situation that he really wasn't ready for. He
was now scarred too. And since we were both hurt, we just healed and grew
together. About three months later, my family was doing a lot better. My
parents and I were again communicating and finally, they met the reason why I
still had my smile.
School was almost out and everything was going my way. I was a teenager
again, and like most teenagers I experienced some teenage things. This love
thing that I was experiencing, certainly had a twist to it that I hadn't
expected. I realized that even though I was in love, I still had the scars
from my problems. In the back of my mind I knew I still felt empty, hurt, and
desperate. And, unknowingly I took advantage of my relationship. I was
experiencing womanhood and began wanting things that a woman wanted. I wanted
to be pregnant. My boyfriend and I, naive and immature, tried three months to
have a have a baby, but each month, although about two weeks late, I made
that dreadful trip to the bathroom with my plastic ultra- thin best friend who
was ALWAYS :) there for me.
Then, October came. I had missed my period. However, there was something
different about this time. I hadn't tried to get pregnant. I had that feeling
that a girl gets when she knows there's something wrong. So, I told my
boyfriend that I was late again, and on October 22, we traveled to Bigg's to
get an E.P.T home-pregnancy test. We pulled over across the street and I took
the test that confirmed my pregnancy in a BP gas station. As the lines filled
up in the boxes I couldn't believe it. I stood there cold, faint, confused,
and shocked looking in the mirror asking myself, "How could this happen to me
?'' I just put my hand on my heart, put the test in my pocket and wondered
how in the hell I was gonna tell my 17 year old boyfriend that I was actually
PREGNANT. Now for those of you who don't know, finding out that you're
pregnant when you not only don't want to be, but can't be-it's a yucky,
feeling that only experience can describe. Eventually, I came to the
conclusion that I was just going to walk outside, look him in the eyes and
hand him the test. We just sat there in his car while I cried, and he just
looked at the lines. The lines that confirmed he was now daddy, and I, mommy.
Immediately we agreed to not tell anyone and that all this would be taken
care of as soon as possible. Even though I didn't know, I was 5 weeks
pregnant and the little signs began to show. I was urinating all the time.
Trying to hide it, I told everyone I had a urinary problem and even got a
little note from the nurse to excuse me from my classes when nature called.
At home my parents began to sense signs of depression, frequent
urinating and constant eating. I had to do something. By the time November
came my boyfriend and I had decided to have an abortion. Scared, I called the
women's clinic and I count-thirteen times and hung up, until the fourteenth
time when I called the next day and asked about abortion. The receptionist
talked to me and told me that I must first come down to the clinic or have
mailed to my house, this packet of information about the abortion, along with
the registration packet. We couldn't have it mailed to either of our houses,
so we had to go down to the clinic and get the packet ourselves. It was cold
and smelled funny, I guessed, from the abortions. I had called back twice to
schedule an appointment but they told me I had to come during school, and I
had to have a parent. My boyfriend looked into the legal options of getting
an abortion without our parents knowing, and I called several places. But,
since Cincinnati Juvenile Magistrates are Republican, it was very unlikely
she would grant me parental bypass. In fact, she hadn't granted anyone
parental bypass in 10 years. So, my boyfriend searched for ways to get around
our parents knowing and eventually we found someone. I called again and
scheduled my appointment for December 15, because I was out of school and
time was passing.
The Friday of my abortion, I woke up and reflected on all the nights I
had cried myself to sleep remorseful of something I hadn't even done yet.
Just then it hit me that I really was pregnant. I had thought about it
before, but I tried not to become attached. I took my shower and got picked
up for my 2:00 appointment. I walked into clinic, went through the sign in
procedure and waited for them to call my name. They took me upstairs and I
talked to a nurse about the procedure. She was a young black lady herself,
and so I thought she would be straight up with me and tell the ENTIRE truth,
but she was just like everyone said. She breezed pass the truth and only told
me so much stuff before we jumped off topic and got personal. She told me I
was the first 16 year old that she had seen come to that particular clinic in
two months. She asked why I waited so long and began to tell me that what I
was doing was her worst fear for her 16 year old daughter. I think she picked
up the fact that the lady with me wasn't really my mother, because she told
me that she hoped her daughter would be able to confide in her if something
like this happened to her, and she looked me in my eyes and began to almost
cry as she walked me back to the waiting room. This time the waiting room was
upstairs and the next time they called my name it would be to take a
pregnancy test, a blood test, and then have my abortion. While I was waiting,
there were two girls in there. They were both 22, with current children, who
couldn't afford to have another. They both frowned when I told them I was 16.
I remember feeling sorry for myself and saying to one of the girls that I was
scared, and she replied to me, "You should thought about that before you let
that boy stick you." Not the best response but no matter how I put it, it was
true. I looked at her and felt a moment of what I would describe as
saltiness, and turned the other way. About 5 minutes later they called my
name, and I went to THE ROOM.
The nurse that would be assisting me during my abortion came in and
confidently smiled and said, "Okay, I need you take your clothes off, put
this on and have a seat on the operating bed.'' I said okay, put on the
back-out piece of paper, and when I came out she too frowned and almost
cried as she saw that I was a young African-American female who just like
herself had experienced an abortion. We talked and I could sense that she
hoped I would change my mind, but right before we got any further, the doctor
came in. It was cold, I was shaking and scared. I was in a horrible place,
but the doctor, who spoke with a foreign English accent, smiled and asked me
if I was ready. I just kept shaking and trying to wonder how in the hell I
got in this situation. He performed the pap smear and felt my uterus. He
asked me how far I thought I was along and I told him 8 weeks. He got upset
and said, "Mam, your child is a lot larger than an 8 week fetus." He took his
instruments and demanded an ultrasound. I felt like a liar, I felt gross. At
that point all the nurses came in and one them rubbed the soft cold jelly on
my tummy. One of the ladies stood in front of me so I couldn't see the
picture, so I only saw a blurred color on the screen. While she searching for
my child on the screen, she found it and insisted that I was 16 weeks. My
child had developed a little early and because the sex organs were slightly
visible she said it was a boy. I just cried as I laid there on the table. She
called in the doctor and he confirmed that I was a ''Large 13.6 weeks." He
told me that if I still wanted to have the suction one day procedure, that I
would have to have it done that day and it would instead cost me $395 instead
of $350 that I had paid them, because 13.7 weeks is 14 weeks and required a
completely different procedure. I got dressed and walked downstairs with the
file to give the nurse. On my way down, I snuck and looked at my baby who was
now a healthy 3 months and 6 days. He had my boyfriends' head and my nose. I
saw his little legs. In the first picture they were crossed, and in the
second picture he had moved them. I guess he felt the cold jelly :) I showed
my boyfriend and the friend that was with me, and I cried and cried and
cried. I knew I couldn't have the abortion-it was wrong. But for some strange
reason the heart beat of my own child that I'll never get to hear again,
didn't stop me. My boyfriend asked me if I still wanted to go through with
it. I just looked him in the eyes and saw the hurt he was feeling. He was
scared and cold. Without words I went back upstairs to the waiting room. I
looked at my baby one more time and hesitantly handed my file to the nurse.
About 5 minutes later they called me in. It was time. Again I took off my
clothes put on the gown and had a seat on the table. The lady that was in
there with me the first time came back in. She just looked at me and helped
my shaking body to the table. Soon after, the doctor came in. He asked me if
I was okay and explained the procedure. He told me he was going to open up my
cervix which was going to feel like the cramps of my period, inject something
that would numb me and the baby, and then he would perform the suction which
would take about 50 to 55 seconds. I started to pass out so the nurse gave me
my anesthesia to calm me down. I felt dizzy and aired out. About a minute
later he began.
Slowly he opened up my cervix so that he could see the baby. The
cramps WERE in fact like your period, but ten times worse. I was so tense
that they strapped my legs to the bars on the table. He inserted the shot
with a needle that was 7 inches long and I began to cry. The nurse covered my
mouth so I wouldn't scream and then she turned up the anesthesia. I thought
she cared. I wondered why she let me go through with this and why was she
trying to keep it a secret. I was the last girl to have an abortion that day,
so the doctor was pretty easy about what he was doing. He kept performing
while I cried, screamed, and mourned. "Now,'' he said, "this is the
abortion". He inserted this tube like structure that had a sharp edge to it.
Little did I know, that sharp edge was what would shred my baby into small
enough pieces to fit through some tube. He turned on the machine and it began
taking the life of my baby, piece by piece, breath by breath, heartbeat by
heartbeat. I could feel the baby being pulled out of me. I felt the large
clumps of his head down to the small pieces of his arms and legs. Then
nothing. He turned the machine off, and my baby was dead. Soon after he
turned on a light and a nursed was signaled to come in. I wasn't supposed to,
but I saw my baby lying on a metal tray torn limb from limb, blood
everywhere. He was motherless. He was fatherless. Friendless, Loveless. Gone.
Just Dead. And it was too late. I threw up and felt the water that held my
baby rush out of me. I almost passed out again so the doctor quickly took out
the instruments, put me on oxygen, and said take care as he handed the baby
to the nurse who would then 'reassemble' me and my boyfriends' first and only
child, whom we deprived of the right to have life.
It was 4:33 when the procedure ended and I went to recovery where
another nurse told me the post abortion rules and gave me medicine to fight
infection and dissolve the tissue left from my child. I hesitated to take it
because I wanted my baby back so bad that anything that reminded me of him- I
wanted it. I took it and just sat in the chair while a heating pad soothed my
pain. About twenty minutes later I went downstairs, greeted my boyfriend. He
hugged me, I signed out and we left. I was so sore that I could barely walk.
That same night I did the most cruel thing that I could've ever done. I
tried to forget about it. We went to my boyfriends' dad's house and got ready
for the Purcell vs. Roger Bacon basketball game. I looked and felt horrible.
I was so scared that someone would know. That night I felt alone. I felt that
my boyfriend didn't even care. He was distant and didn't show me much
attention. I just wanted to be held and hear someone tell me that I was still
loved and that they were there for me. He didn't do that. It felt like he
just wanted to get the abortion just so he could move on. Now I know that he
hurts too. But at the time, I thought about everything. I wanted to die. No
mother kills her own child. While he socialized at the game I just sat down
on the bleachers, when one of the best friends I have ever had, came to my
rescue. Her name is Aaliya. I swear I love me some Lea. She asked me what was
wrong and I had to lie. I didn't want to break anymore hearts. I just said I
was sick. She looked at me with the 'I know your lying look,' and just wished
me well. That night I went home and acted like nothing happened-again. I was
too exhausted to cry. The next morning I went to work, just 14 hours after
surgery. The pain was terrible. I felt like my insides were about to shut
down. I bleeding so heavy that I could feel it on my thighs. Then, a vacuum
turned on in the building. I heard it and I silently broke down hoping that
no one would see or hear me. It reminded of the vacuum in the abortion room.
I couldn't breathe. At that point I realized that I was going into a mental
state of shock and depression. I was hurt. I went home and took a shower. I
broke down again. I saw a blue baby hat. I broke down again. My Mom said the
word baby. I broke down. I couldn't stop, and yet still no one noticed. To
this day I have only been able to share the fact that I have had an abortion
with a few understanding people. I have never gone this in depth about my
feelings and the cause. I still break down once or twice a day, about 5 times
a week. It sucks. I've gone into stress so bad that my chest hurts almost
everyday.
I don't want help. I don't want to move on. I want to feel this pain
forever, because it is the only true memory I have of my child. You can't
possibly understand how much this hurts. It hurts sooo bad, I swear I would
give anything to have my son back. But he will never come back. I tried to
tell myself that the next time I get pregnant tha (letter unfinished)

I had my abortion last year. I was 16 and I just started a job and trying to get through school. I had been with my boyfriend for awhile and we were messing around. I didn't know I was pregnant for awhile till my mom was getting worried and it turned out I was 2 months pregnant. My mom immediately started calling abortion clinics. I didn't want to do it but she only gave me one choice. When she found one...she immediately made a date. I had a week to hold my baby in my stomach. My boyfriend and my cried every night. We didn't want to let go. I remember that night...on the way to the clinic, it was a 3 hour drive. I laid in the backseat crying. I knew I had to do what my mother wished...I just didn't want to lose my child. We stayed the night in a hotel and the next morning, went to the clinic. No protestors or anything. It was a very clean clinic and they were really nice and caring. I went in for counseling and they gave me my nerve pills. I then took my ultrasound and it turned out I was 3 months. They almost didn't go through with it cause of how far I was but they went on. I got put up and 2 nurses came in and the doctor. He was rough on me but it only took 2 minutes. I cried. It felt like my stomach was being sucked out. I got up and I was so drugged that I fell down. I had blood covering the floor and everything. They picked me up and put me in the recovery room. I sat there forever. I was sick. I threw up on myself and they wouldn't clean me up. Well, when they thought I was ready to leave...they sat me down and talked to my mother. They gave me a list of antibiotics and birth control pills. I went home and I had pains. I went to the doctor and I gained an infection. Names are left unsaid and things are alright now...I went through hell practically and never want to go through it again. It was a lesson well learned. I miss my baby. Thank you for listening to my story. It means a lot to me. 

It's been four months and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I had
one child, a baby girl, just 5 months old. I didn't get my period for the
month and I naturally knew something was wrong. I knew that me and my
boyfriend, who loves and supports me and my daughter, could not manage with
another child. But I was actually happy with the thought of being pregnant
again. The thought of another little baby. The next morning me and my
daughter stopped of at a drug store and picked up a pregnancy test. I went to
Mc Donalds and decided to do it there. I waited a minute and picked it up and
yup, I was pregnant again. When I told my boyfriend he wasn't happy, he
wasn't mad. He just felt sorry for me cause he knew we couldn't have another
one.
I knew we couldn't either but I was still happy. When I woke up I would think
about whether it was boy or girl. I felt it was my little boy. I made an
appointment to have a termination, as they called it. We all set off to have
the abortion, my boyfriend, our daughter and I. As soon as we got in front of
the clinic, the anti-abortionists stopped us and started talking to us. I was
like damn, I'm already feeling bad enough why this? I just wanted to get
inside and get it over with. Then my boyfriend who was with me on my decision
started talking about maybe we can have it. I told him to snap into reality
we already have a little baby. If only I had listened to him. Anyway it so
happens that they sent us home because I ate something. Then the guy comes
back telling me that that was a sign. I listened to him and thought maybe he
was right.
Sad to say the day came. I remember crying in the cab ride over there,
looking at my boyfriend and the baby playing with each other and thinking
that were four know and when we come back we'll leave one behind and be
three, and then really started crying. He didn't know what to do and just
held me. We got there and the women looked normal. This wasn't a clinic. It
was a private doctor's office. I was the last patient for the day. I watched
the women go in then out. Normally, naturally, fine.
My turn. I got up and looked at him and her and walked out the room. They
took me in a bathroom and asked for urine. I gave it. Then the nurse took me
to a room. The operating room, I guess. I looked at the machine and shivered.
It was just ugly. She told me to put on a gown and lay on that chair table. I
did so. She left the room. Now by myself, I looked around. White tiled walls.
I imagined blood splattered all over them. I talked to my baby and rubbed my
stomach, apologizing for what I was about to do. I could imagine him, playing
and floating, not having the slightest idea that these were the last minutes
of his life. In came the doctor. He told me no sedation would be used. I got
mad at him because nobody informed me that I would have to witness this whole
thing. He told me If I wanted I could leave. I said no I'm already here. And
you can say that that's the end of my baby's life. Just like that. No
explanations nothing. That's just it. Now four months later I still miss
him................

When I was 17 years old I fell in love with a man six years older than me.
Within 3 months of our relationship, I became pregnant. I was still in high
school, a senior. The man I was in love with wanted to marry me, and have
the baby, but I couldn't see myself dropping out of high school, getting
married and having a baby at 18 years old. That was not in my plans. I
chose to abort, I was selfish. My boyfriend supported my decision, although
it's not what he wanted. He took me to the clinic, and he brought me home
afterwards and took care of me. I don't remember a whole lot about the
abortion except that it was painful and there was a picture of a half naked
man taped up on the ceiling above the table where the abortion was performed.
I remember telling the nurse that I didn't think it was appropriate and she
stated that sometimes it helps to keep our mind off the pain. After the
abortion, I felt nothing but relief, no guilt, no remorse...just relief.

A year after high school, I married the man who supported me through the
abortion. I became pregnant on New Year's Eve, 1987 and delivered a
beautiful 7 pound 19 inch baby boy in September of 1988 who has grown into a
beautiful and wonderful 12 year old son who I love more than life itself.
Unfortunately, his father and I divorced when my son was only three weeks
old. I was only 21. Although being a mother was always my first priority,
when my son was with his father every other weekend, I partied. I went out a
lot, got drunk a lot, did my share of ectasy (an illegal drug), and
shamefully I slept with many men, some of the sex was protected, some of it
wasn't. During the 6 1/2 years of being a single mother and wild on the
weekends, I became pregnant 4 more times. Although I was on the pill for
three of those pregnancies, sometimes I would miss a pill or two because I
would be so drunk that I'd forget to take it, or be so hungover, even though
I had taken the pill, I threw up because of the alcohol. All four
pregnancies, I only knew who the father was with two of the pregnancies. I
aborted those also. And the same thing was felt with each abortion, no
guilt, no remorse, just relief. After 6 1/2 years of being single and wild,
I met a man I fell in love with and married him at the age of 28. On our
first anniversary, I found out I was pregnant. I was so selfish, I liked my
life the way it was and I didn't want any changes, no disruptions. I didn't
want to give up my computer room for a baby room. I chose to abort that baby
as well - and still afterwards I felt no remorse, no guilt, only relief.
Then the last time....I did not know I was pregnant. I had normal menstrual
cycles and no signs of pregnancy except I noticed one day that I had a milky
discharge from my breasts and they were slightly sore. I didn't think I was
pregnant, but I purchased a pregnancy test anyway and it was positive, I was
pregnant again - for the 9th time in my life. I didn't think I was that far
along. I made an appointment at the clinic to have this pregnancy aborted
too. When I got to the clinic and they did an ultrasound - I was 16 weeks
pregnant (4 months). They told me it would cost a lot more and I would feel
much more pain that I had before in the previous abortions. But still, I
chose to abort for the 8th time. And again, for the 8th time, when I left
the clinic I felt no guilt, no remorse, just relief.

Now, I am 33 years old and a single mother again. I've changed a lot, and
I'm not that wild party girl I was in my twenties. I've done a lot of
thinking about all my abortions, all my mistakes and the guilt of those eight
abortions is overwhelming. The guilt I never felt from the eight abortions
has hit me all at once. I wonder sometimes if I am considered a
murderer....in my case, if I am a murderer - I'm a serial killer. I didn't
just kill once, I killed eight times. I can't forgive myself for the pain I
caused those sweet little innocent babies. They didn't ask for that, they
didn't ask to be inside of me, but they paid dearly for my selfishness, my
lack of concern, my mistakes, my lack of a conscious.

Last year, I had missed my cycle three months in a row. I purchased a
pregnancy test and it was negative. I went to my OBGYN and found out that I
was going through early menopause. The scar tissue from all the abortions
had caused me to have ovarial failure and my ovaries were not producing
hormones. I am now on hormone replacement therapy, I have to have a
mammogram once a year, I can't have children, and I've developed cancer of
the cervix. The doctor performed laser surgery and said it was gone, but if
it came back I would have to have a total historectomy. I am paying now for
what I did and it's a high price. I can never change it, I can't take it
back, I can't get those babies back. All I can do is ask God to forgive me
and hope that one day I can forgive myself. My son is an only child and he
had so many chances to have a brother or a sister, and one of them could have
been his full blooded brother or sister. Sometimes he says "Mom, I wish I
had a brother or a sister - it get's pretty lonely sometimes " When he says
that, I want to cry, but I can't, not in front of him. I could have given
him that wish, eight times over, but all I though about was myself and my
life and didn't take into consideration the life of my unborn child nor the
life of my born child. Today, I would give anything to have another baby,
but I know that I'll never be given that opportunity again.

I can't say that I am pro-life, I still feel that it's a woman�s choice. I
just hope that the women out there will not use abortion as a birth control
method, which is what I did. And to the women who have no guilt because of
their abortion, be prepared, because it will catch up to you one day. When
it does, find your Lord, pray to him and ask him to help you through the pain
that you feel. He will be there for you - he has been for me. He has
forgiven me, but I have yet to forgive myself.

May God bless you all.