I am not a writer so this may not be perfect, but if my story will stop a
girl or woman from having an abortion, you are more than welcome to reword it.

I was 26yrs old and dating a married man. I discovered I was pregnant and
thought I was lost and alone. I found out that his wife was pregnant at the
same time, so in my mind I really had no other choice.

I called a clinic to make an appointment, for the next day. When I walked
into the clinic I was numb, I felt like a robot. I tired not to think of
what I was doing. I gave my sample and waited. There were girls of all ages,
of all races, of all classes. We must have waited 2 hours, before they
started calling us for our sonograms. I remember lying on the table and the
nurse said this is going to be cold, as she put the jell on my stomach. She
didn't turn the screen away, but I really couldn't tell too much, but I did
see. I have never forgotten what I saw, I can still see it.

I was then told to wait in a small room with at least 15 others girls, I
think I was one of the oldest. Someone came in and started to explain what
was going to happen to us. Then she ask if anyone had any questions. There
were a few about pain, and bleeding. I then raised my hand, and ask "does
the baby feel anything". The women went white as all the other girls agreed
and wanted to know the same thing. She tried to tell me, "it's not a baby
yet, your too early". I stood my ground and looked her straight in the face
and told her " I'm too old for you to try and trick me. We all know what
we're here for and I won't play games". " I want to know if my baby will
feel what I'm about to do to it"? She never answered me!!!! I was then called
into a counselors office and told maybe I shouldn't have an abortion. I told
the counselor " I knew I shouldn't, but I didn't know what else to do. She
never gave me any other options. After telling her my story she said your
right, and I admire you for being truthful with yourself!

I was called first. I remember being told to undress and wait. When the
nurse left I realized I was in the "room". I sat there looking at all the
equipment. They laid me on a table told me and told me to relax, and it
wouldn't feel any worse than a bad cramp. The machine was turned on, and the
pain was just as they had said. When it was over I didn't really understand
my feeling of emptiness. Or why I still felt so alone.

As time went on I told myself, I did the right thing. In December of '88 I
ran into "The Mans" wife. She was 8 months pregnant, and I fell apart.
Because I would have been, had I listened to my heart. I knew then I would
never be able to forget the child I killed.

I went back to this man and we had a long affair. He finally left 4yrs
later. In '96 I found myself pregnant again. I just knew things would be Ok,
he was single again after all. I couldn't have been more wrong. He said
some of the most horrible things to me. I then found myself having a second
abortion.

After it was over, I looked him and said I will never do this again. If it
means never seeing you again, I don't care, your not worth it. He said don't
worry I will never be apart of anything like this again. He told me that later
as he waited for me. One of the protesters outside had ask him why he
was there. He tried to walk away but he man touched his arm and ask again.
He said he broke down and cried and told the man his story. The man replied
she must love you a lot to do this twice. He prayed with this man, and ask
God to forgive us both. The man told him, if he would like to go and and get
me, he would go with him. That they couldn't refuse if that's what he wanted.
But as they walked through the door to get me, I was walking out. The man
helped him get me to the car, and prayed with us again. We never told
anyone, we promised each other that it would remain between us.

We later married and have a 2yr old son. Now sometimes the memories are just too
much to handle. When I look into my sons face I can't help but wonder, what
they would look like, how they would smile or laugh. I am in tears as I
write this so how can anyone say that abortion is OK!!!!! If it is nothing
then why do women feel for years after?

I have been ask several times by younger girls, what they should do....
Abortion wasn't a choice I gave them. To me if you have ever been through
this, its not a choice. Its more like a panic attack, you act before you
know what your doing.

Thanks for reading this I hope maybe you can use it to help someone else

Hi, here is my story. The first time I went to your website, I sat in front of my computer for two hours and just sobbed while I looked at pictures of aborted babies. For the first time, the reality of what I had done finally sunk in. I come to your website almost everyday now. I read the letters over and over, and it is comforting to know that I am not alone. Not only do I feel that I cheated my child out of life, I feel as though I was lied to. The harsh reality is that abortion clinics DON�T TELL YOU THE TRUTH! They hide it from you. I feel that if more women knew the truth they would never ever have an abortion. I like many, thought it was just blood, and not a baby yet. I decided to share my story with you and them, in the hopes that it may prevent at least one woman from making the same mistake I did. I had an abortion less than one month after my 21^st birthday. My boyfriend was my first and the love of my life. We had been together for about 2 � years. He has always wanted to get me pregnant, and he always thought he could never have kids. Finally in June, of 2000 his wish came true. We weren�t ready. He was a serious alcoholic, somewhat mentally abusive, unstable and could barely hold on to enough money to pay his rent, which was for a small, cramped room in a residential hotel. My parents hated him for various reasons. I was literally drowning in debt, on the verge of being thrown out (because of my relationship with him). I thought I would end up alone and homeless. I didn�t think I had a choice. I saw no other way. Our relationship was far from healthy, but we loved each other more than anything. Our baby was conceived in love. When my period was late, I told him that I thought I was pregnant and he was soooo happy. I didn�t know what to do. He was absolutely 100% against abortion. As long as I can remember, he has always felt strongly against it. I knew I was pregnant before I had even taken a test. It is just something you know, deep inside of you there is a soul in your tummy. I did not want to tell my mother but she already knew. She always kept track of my period, and reminded me when I was late. She would say things like - - Your period is late, you know what you have to do if you are pregnant. I knew what she meant. I couldn�t keep it, if I wanted to be a part of the family� They would have disowned me� I felt like I had no choice. There was nothing I could do� I made an appointment at the Planned Parenthood. I told them that I thought I was pregnant, and they said I should come in for a pregnancy test. I finally went in, and the nurses were so cheerful and nice. I peed in a cup and waited in the waiting room. I was anxious even though I already knew. They called my name, and I went in to a small office. The nurse told me that I was pregnant and based on the information I gave them regarding my last period I was probably about 6 weeks pregnant. The nurse asked me what I wanted to do and I told her my situation, she suggested that the best thing for me to do was to terminate the pregnancy. She made it sound so easy. Like it was normal. Don�t worry just give us the money and we�ll take care of the rest. I made an appointment to come back for the abortion. I reasoned with myself. I told myself it must just be blood, it wasn�t a baby yet. They wouldn�t actually kill a baby. What was I thinking? I tried not to get attached to the baby. I thought it might be easier that way. I drove home and debated on whether or not to go through with it. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend who had urged me to make an appointment to see how far along I was. My mother told me not to tell him. She said it would be best if he didn�t know. (Now that I look back, she probably didn�t want him to talk me out of it). Oh how I wish I had told him. Everything would be different now. I was not comfortable with this at all. I felt so deceptive. How could I NOT tell him? He deserved to know. The next few days, I would talk to my baby and tell it that I was sorry for what I was about to do. I would fall asleep at night holding my tummy crying and talking to my baby trying to explain why I was about to do what I was going to do. I tried to convince myself that what I was doing was best for the baby. The following Friday, August 4, 2000, I left work early and my mom met me. I lied to my boyfriend and told him that I was tired and just going to go home and go to sleep. My mom drove me to the clinic. When I got there I was numb. I thought about my baby inside of me, and how when I left there my baby would be dead. Everyone acted so nonchalant. All the nurses there smiling, and trying to make you feel good about being a murderer. They called my name and I went in. They did a bunch of pre-abortion stuff like get your heart rate and take your temperature. They gave me some Valium and sent me back into the waiting room. The second time they called my name was the time for the abortion. I asked if my mom could come with me and they said no. I went in the back and they put me in a room. They told me to undress from the waist down and lay on the table and they left. I was alone in the room, and I never felt so alone in my life. As I was lying there I talked to my baby. I told it that mommy was sorry, and please forgive me for what I was about to do. The doctor came in 15 minutes later, smiled and asked me how I was doing. He gave me some kind of shot, prepared me for the abortion, and a few minutes later he said he was going to start. I heard the vacuum, and then I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. The sound of my baby being slaughtered by a man that I had paid to do it. I screamed and sobbed and told him to stop, but it was too late. I will never forget that sound as long as I live. The sound of my baby dying. The nurse held my hand and used her other hand to wipe my tears. She was very comforting, but I was hysterical. I just kept thinking about my poor baby. There was nothing I could do. The pain was incredible, and after a minute it was all over. They helped me up and took me to the recovery room. On the way out I looked at the little white container that held my baby that was just in my stomach. I wanted to open the container and put my baby back in my stomach. I wanted to wake up and realize it was a bad dream. I felt horrible. Here I was killing my baby, while my boyfriend was out drinking with his friends. He was probably telling them he had a baby on the way, and how excited he was. I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!!!! They sat me in the recovery room in a recliner chair and put a heating pad on my stomach and gave me apple juice and graham crackers. I felt sick, I felt gross, and I felt evil. Some of the girls in the recovery room were the same girls that were in the waiting room. One of them was reading a book! I couldn�t believe what was happening. I just killed my baby. A half an hour later they shot me up with depo and gave me a bunch of instructions. Everything was such a blur. I left the recovery room and met my mom. She put me in the car and went to get me some soup. On the way home, she started crying. She said she heard me screaming, and wanted to come help me, but they wouldn�t let her in. I wanted to die. I felt empty. I could no longer feel that soul in my tummy. My baby was gone. My mother has never mentioned anything about the abortion since that day. As soon as I got home, I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I called my boyfriend and told him I got my period. I lied and told him it was probably a miscarriage. I had to keep lying about it. I felt so bad, but I knew I would ruin him if I told him. Since that day, I blocked the whole thing from my head. I even tried to convince myself that I really did have a miscarriage. I pretended as if it never happened. My boyfriend asked me several times if I had an abortion and I just said no. Of course not. I would never do such a thing. LIAR!!! I am sick. How could I? What the hell was wrong with me? The worst part about it, is that I started treating him so badly. I was so mean to him. What I was trying to do was break up with him, so he would never have to find out. How sick am I? I need some serious help. Finally on Christmas Eve of 2000 he asked me again. I didn�t say anything. I just started crying and told him I was sorry. I couldn�t live the lie any longer. He had every right to know. He was numb. He was soooo sad. He couldn�t believe it. I have never seen him so upset in my life. I felt like I killed him. He just kept asking me how could I and why. I had no answer. He was severely hurt by this and I didn�t know what to do. He has always wanted a baby. We used to talk about what it would be like if we had kids. Ever since then things haven�t been the same. The next morning I came over. I brought him his Christmas present and a teddy bear. The teddy bear was a symbol of our lost child. He was more than devastated. I could barely keep my eyes open. They were so puffy from crying all night and not getting any sleep. We went to one of his relative�s house. On the way there, he told me I was sick, I was a murderer, and lots of other things. I deserved all that and more. When we got to his relative�s house, there were kids all over the place. I just kept thinking my baby should be in my stomach, nice and warm and feeling the Christmas spirit. The next few days were real tough, and everywhere we went babies were around. A constant reminder. One of his friends even asked us when we were going to have a baby. I felt so numb. I could only imagine the pain my boyfriend was feeling. We aren�t together anymore, I can hardly blame him for leaving me. We still talk and we are trying to maintain a friendship, which must be difficult for him. One day he asked me if I had ever seen pictures of abortion. I said no, and he told me to look it up on the Internet. That is when I found your website. I just wish I found it sooner. If I had known that that is what it is like, I would have never done it. I wish I had talked to him, I wish I had went to your website before I did this. I wish I had done anything EXCEPT have an abortion. That is the biggest mistake I have ever made. I feel even greater pain for my boyfriend, he was just a helpless victim, like my baby. I thought what I did would save my life, and I could keep my relationship with my family that I loved so much, but all I did was hurt the two most important people in my life. My Baby and my Boyfriend. I killed my baby, and I have completely destroyed my boyfriend and our relationship. I would give anything to go back, and change what I did. Forget my family. Anyone who tells you to have an abortion DOES NOT care about your best interest. My mother wanted to save herself from the embarrassment of having an unwed daughter with the baby of an African American man. FUCK HER! That was my baby and her grandchild. Because of her, I killed my baby. Why wasn�t she supportive? Why couldn�t she accept me for who I was? Why didn�t I just leave and go to a shelter? Why did I let myself kill my baby? Abortion should be outlawed. It is not right. I wish I would have seen the pictures before I did it. Why don�t they tell you at the clinic? I, like many women thought it was just blood. I still can only blame myself. I should have looked at all the options. I should have did research on abortion. Then I would have known, and I would have saved my baby. The clinic never told me I would be depressed, they never even mentioned counseling. They never even asked me if I was sure that this is what I wanted to do. I wish someone talked me out of it. What the hell is wrong with our society? They make abortion seem so normal. It is not normal, it is murder. I belong in jail. I should be sentenced to death for what I did. I murdered an innocent baby. Today I went to the doctor�s and when I was there I asked the nurse if she had ever watched an abortion. She said yes. So I asked her if she had actually seen an aborted baby and she said it wasn�t a baby it was just tissue! How could she lie? She knows it is a baby. I then asked her a key question, I asked her if she would ever have an abortion and she said NO! So if you are even thinking about having an abortion, just simply ask the nurse who is telling you it is okay to do it, if she would do it. She would say no because while she is telling you it is just tissue, she would never do it because it is not. She knows the truth. I feel as though I don�t deserve to be a mother. Being a mother is a privilege and not a right. I no longer have that privilege. I robbed my child of its life. I find it hard to face the day, knowing what I did to my baby.

Since then I have become severely depressed, I get nightmares from time to time and I think of suicide. I wish I died during the abortion, so that my baby wouldn�t be alone now. We would have died together. I want to feel this pain as long as I live, it is the only feeling I have left to remind me of my lost child. My poor boyfriend he didn�t do anything to deserve this pain. He wanted the baby. He even stopped drinking after I told him about the abortion. I had no right to do that to him. I hate myself. I can�t even look at a baby without wanting to cry. When I see a young girl with a child, I admire her. She is smarter than me. She is stronger than me. She wouldn�t kill her child. What kind of mother would kill her child? I long for my baby. It would have just been born. I could be sooo happy right now. I want to hold my baby in my arms. I hope that angels rescued my baby. I hope that my baby is smiling and laughing and giggling somewhere in heaven with God. Sometimes I want to go find my baby. Just the thought of it being all alone in the dark cold afterlife. I WANT MY BABY BACK. My precious innocent child. I would hold it and never let it go. I would beg it to forgive me and promise to never leave its side. To my baby: I hope that one day I will find you, I hope you can forgive me. I�m sorry baby, Mommy is so sorry. I deprived you of your right to live. I killed you. I would give anything including my own life to have you here. My heart aches for you every day and every night. I wish you were here. I wish I wasn�t so selfish. I wish I let you live.

F.V.S.

Age: 21

Hi. I am 19 years old, and I visited this site for the first time today. I had an abortion when I was 15. It was supposed to be the best answer because I had been raped and I was too young. I was three months pregnant when I finally had enough courage to do it. I was scared, and already hurting and alone. It seemed like the only option.

But I have to tell you, that was four years ago today, and not a single day has gone by that I have not thought about it, and regretted it. I have lived with the guilt and shame of killing my own baby. I have always refused to look at pictures of aborted fetus' and today was the first time I saw one. I knew before, but it is only becoming more apparent every day that what I did was something completely wrong and not a day goes by that I don't wonder what I could have done different. I don't care what the people in the courts and media say. A baby conceived by rape is still a baby, and just because it wasn't the mother's choice to get pregnant doesn't make her any less a mother to that child.

Now I can't seem to love anything or anyone, and I can't even talk about abortion. I cry for no reason at all and I get totally suicidal sometimes. I don't know what of that comes from the rape or what from the abortion, but if I could go back, I would change things. Everything would be different. Everything would be like it was before, and not now. I just want to tell anyone considering an abortion for any reason to think about it. It is not worth it, and no matter what you think now, you won't think that way later. Life and feelings change so rapidly. What is so important to you now that you would consider this will not seem so important in the light of your experiences later in life. When you walk through a lonely apartment and work all day for no one, and you sit on your couch alone, and think about life and what the purpose of it all is, you wonder why you ever made that choice. Was the reason really all that important? Was your fear really that valid? At the time it seemed so, but not so anymore.