...For days, he kept hounding me about the abortion.  I kept telling him no.  Then he started telling me that if I had the baby, he wouldn't be there for me.  He said that he wouldn't be there for the birth, and he said that he would leave me.  I was still determined to keep my baby.  Then little by little, my wall began to break down.  My boyfriend was going to leave me, and I loved him too much for him to leave me.  Somehow, and I don't know why, I started considering going through with the abortion.  While at my vocational class in school, I got a phone book, and called a clinic near my home.  I set up an appointment.  I figured that if I wanted to, I could change my mind before then.  I told my boyfriend that day that I had set up an appointment.  He seemed all too relieved.  I on the other hand was dying inside.  I knew I wanted my baby, and I knew I wanted my boyfriend.  So I went against what I thought was right, and tried to forget about the little baby that was growing within me.  I had this emotional attachment with this baby, and I had to completely forget about it, because I wanted to be with my boyfriend.   

My appointment was set for November 4th, 1999.  I told my mom that I changed my mind, and she said that she would respect what ever I wanted to do.  She asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it, and I said yes, even though I lied.  I really didn't want to.  The day before the abortion, my mom had to go to the clinic and sign some papers with me since she couldn't be there the day of.  The nurses were very friendly, I suppose that's how they sell their abortions.   

The next day, I woke up early and drove to my boyfriends house.  He was to take me to the clinic.  As we pulled up, I felt cold and sick to my stomach, but in my mind, it felt like there was no turning back.  I signed it, and was called to the back to fill out a ton of paper work, get some blood work done, and have an ultra-sound.  Then I waited for what seemed like hours in the waiting room.  I remember there was an older woman in there, who had brought her daughter in for an abortion.  I looked at her, sitting in the corner, crying quietly to herself.  I wish I would have walked out then, but didn't.   

My boyfriend acted childishly the whole time in the clinic.  He even left me alone in there while he ran next door to 7-eleven to get something to eat.  When he came back, they called me to go into the back room.  I was put in this room, and given a gown.  The nurse coldly told me to put on the gown, and leave my socks on.  Everyone was so nice to me the day before, why was everyone being so rude to me now???  I sat in the nicely decorated room for about 10 minutes, shaking.  I knew I didn't want to go through with it.  I wanted to start crying, but a nurse rushed into the room, and brought me to the room where my baby would soon die.  The room looked like an ordinary doctors office room.  Except for all of the machines in the corner covered with sheets.   

Soon, a nurse dressed in green scrubs, and an older doctor came into the room.  He introduced himself quickly and rudely, and instructed me to place my feet in the stirrups.  I can remember looking up at the ceiling on the ceiling there was a picture of a monkey, and next to the money the phrase, "An apple a day, keeps the doctor away".  I couldn't believe that was up there!  Next thing I knew - I was being injected with some form of anesthesia.  I became groggy but was instantly awake as soon as the doctor began the procedure.  I remember thinking that I was going to die.   

I had never experienced so much pain in my life, and I just cried, begging him to stop.  I started jerking, trying to get away from him, but the nurse kept telling me to calm down, or I would hurt myself.  I laid there and cried.  I felt like my life had been drained from me.  I remember wishing that it was.  After the procedure ended, I was brought into the recovery room.  There were two women on each side of me.  One was sleeping heavily, and the other was sleeping with a smirk on her face, like she was happy about what she had just done.  I on the other hand can remember looking at the vertical blinds on the window, feeling nothing but emptiness.  Then I had realized what I had done.  I killed my baby.  My thoughts soon vanished when a young woman began screaming in the hall.  She had just had the procedure done, and was being wheeled into the recovery room.  She couldn't walk, and was just screaming and crying hysterically.  I just wanted to hug her and let her know that it would be okay.  She calmed down, and I remember looking into her eyes.  They looked blank, like there was no one there.  I knew I had to leave.  I told the nurse I was feeling fine (which was a lie) and she gave me my paper work, clothes, and prescriptions, and sent me on my way.  I left the clinic that day, vowing to never return there.   

The day after the abortion, I woke up early and found that I couldn't walk.  I was doubled over in pain.  I was rushed to the E.R. to discover that there was an infection setting in quickly.  They gave me several medications to take.  I was soon feeling better a few weeks later.  After I began feeling better, I also began feeling "relieved."  I began to feel "happy" that I had the abortion.  For some reason, I felt happy that I didn't have to worry about my boyfriend leaving me.   

Those feeling didn't last very long.  By the time January came around, I was feeling terrible.  I finally realized how stupid I was for killing my baby.  I wanted my baby back so bad, and I knew that nothing I did could bring my baby back.  I started slipping into a depression.  I began skipping school, laying in bed, crying because I wanted my baby.  I became violent towards my boyfriend for pressuring me into the abortion, and I completely ignored my friends.  I eventually dropped out of school completely.   

One day while watching TV I saw a commercial about abortion, and it said to call if your life had been affected by an abortion.  I called, and found out that they offered classes for what I was going through.  I immediately signed up and started the "Project Rachel" classes.  I went to the 12 week classes, and came to realize that I was suffering from P.A.S.S.  Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.  I finally knew that I wasn't alone.  I started to come out of my depression, and tried to work on my feelings.  My boyfriend and I were still together, and we often talked about our feelings on the abortion.  He finally told me that he was sorry for pressuring me so much to have the abortion.  He was just under a lot of pressure from him parents.   

To this very day, I still have not forgiven him.  I cannot forgive him until I forgive myself.  We are still together - our four year anniversary is soon approaching as is the date of my abortion.  Each year on November 4th, and months before, I get in a slump where I feel down, but this year, I am going to try and do something positive to remember my baby.  On September 12th, I am starting school again.  I will be going to Adult Education to get my High School Diploma.  Things are starting to look up for me, though I am still suffering deeply from P.A.S.S. 

I have found some comfort in "naming" my lost baby.  I always thought that my baby would have been a girl, so I wanted to name her Anna Maria Contreras.  Anna after my grandmother.

To all of the young women who are reading this, and are considering abortion - I am no counselor.  I am no teacher.  I am just a 20 year old woman, who has experienced abortion, and it's aftermath.  Abortion may seem like the "answer" right now, but later on down the road, you may find that it was the wrong answer.  Abortion is a permanent thing, and there is no bringing back that little life.   

Abortion will change your life, and it is something that will never be forgotten.  Never.  I will never be able to conceive another child due to problems from the abortion.  All I have now are memories, and endless thoughts of what could have been.  I am not here to tell you "Not to have an abortion."  I am here to tell you to think twice before you make that decision.  It will change your life forever. 

If you are reading this, and you need someone to talk to, I am here anytime.  You can e-mail me anytime at fcontreras@peoplepc.com  or you can chat with me on Yahoo Instant Messenger.  My ID on yahoo is karilynhager.  Just add me to your contact list.  If there is anything I can do to help anyone, please contact me.

Sincerely,

Kari H.

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Editor�s Note:  Please read how rampant  �Coercion & Force,� is in most abortions today!     See, �Who's Making the Choice?,�  by Amy R. Sobie and David C. Reardon, of the Elliot Institute.

My own baby, by Christy 

My name is Christy. When I was 17 I had an abortion. I'm 28 now. I feel like God has a special plan regarding me and that; my baby. I want to help anyone any way that I can. This is not what your going to want to hear if you are suffering but, if you have not decided yet maybe I can help. Eleven long years have passed and I can honestly say that up until 2 years ago I was still haunted several times a week. NINE years and still so fresh. I had all of the same problems abusive boyfriend, young, in school, Christian family. I also had the help of the wonderfully cold and pushy planned parent hood. I truly believed up until the moment that I was drugged that I would not go through with it. I cried that day and almost every day since. I dreamed of a little blonde haired boy. I know that it was him. I call him Casey to myself. I went on to be very hateful, depressed, angry and sad. I got pregnant again he is now 7 and I married his father when I was 4 months along. Then I had a little girl now 3. Then of all things when I thought I was done!  I found out that I was pregnant again and circumstances were none to ideal either!  He is now 2. I feel like God was testing me. When I told other people that I was pregnant and how upset I was that I did not think that I could handle another pregnancy let alone another child, God sent me a gift. Some one told me that it had been put on their heart to tell me that I had been forgiven and redeemed and that this baby was even more special and an even bigger gift from God. You have to ask for forgiveness. You have to accept forgiveness. Every baby that has had to endure this horrific crime against humanity is now blessed and with the lord their maker. It is our job as one[s] of the living wounded victims, to keep it from happening again and again. Pray! Get on your knees, cry, yell, talk to God, talk to your baby, make a promise to that precious child that their death will not be in vain. Guilt is just a vehicle for the devil to continue to hurt you. After eleven years I know enough about guilt. It will wreck you and everything you come in contact with.  It makes you mean even to your living children. Remember being pregnant under any circumstances is not the sin, the circumstances AND abortion are!  I am going to dedicate my life to changing the way people see these little ones, even if only to save one. I just look at my 2 year old and know that I have to it could have been him. I hope that I have encouraged some of you and helped with decisions with others in your times of need. God loves you and your baby. He breathed the very life into all of our lungs at one time. We are of him and he can bless Any circumstances. God Bless and keep you.                           

Christy
******P.S. if any one would like any information from me you can e-mail me at memommyofthree@msn.com

 A Cradle Made of Nails ----- The Title is Introduction enough!

3/25/99

I am a 32 yrs. old and have 2 children. When a good friend told me about your site I decided to check it out, never in my dreams was I prepared for what I saw. I have had several abortions but have never seen it as I have today.  The pain, hurt and disappointment that I feel for myself and for what I have done are worse now than ever before. The thought of what I had done has always been there but I had never pictured it as I do now. To think that my oldest son is 10 and I had made three separate appointments to have an abortion when I was pregnant with him just breaks my heart. How could I even think of life without him right now...there is no way. So now I feel the pain for the others that I did not give that chance to...why?  My youngest is 2 and at first I had doubts but I live a different life now than I did then so I know I have become a better person...for the better of us all.

But I cannot contain the pain that I feel right now as I am writing to you I am in tears for those other children which I never gave a chance to live. My last abortion was done in March of 1995 and I was about 16 weeks into that pregnancy and I had to be dilated for a day before having the abortion. I never thought that it was so developed at that point I figured that like my previous pregnancies it was just tissue or something else. I lied to myself for I knew it wasn't right and now that I have seen what I have done it just tears me up inside. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have not gotten more information and tried to know exactly what I was doing...though I knew that in God's eyes it was wrong that is the only thing I thought of. Now I only ask that he forgive me and help me to bring knowledge to those who don't. It is something that I have always felt bad for doing but today I see it in a new light...it is much worse than I thought.

If there is anything I can do to help others and help them with this choice I will be more than willing to do so. The pain that your heart will eventually endure has no measure. May God forgive us all.  If there is anything I can do please contact me.

Bugsgirl--@---.com

4/28/99

Dear Abortion TV,
    I am only 15 years old and I just found out 3 days ago that I was pregnant.  My boyfriend is 17 years old and he said if I did not have an abortion that he would leave me. Yesterday we looked up facts on abortion and we looked at your website. We looked at the videos too. After we looked all through your website, we decided not to have an abortion. We decided that there are to many people in this world that would be glad to adopt a child. So, we are giving it up for adoption, and he is not going to leave me.
                                                    

THANK YOU,
Laura and John

Anonymous

"As I walked into the abortion clinic in the Washington D.C. hospital on April 6th, 1988, I was immediately given a valium to calm me and probably to keep me from backing out. My $750 was taken from me right away and I could not get it back no matter what. In the waiting room there were at least 20 other women. One was 8 months pregnant and said she waited this long to save up enough money.

I thought to myself that that was too late to have an abortion. I was convinced that at 16 weeks, it was only tissue right now. A sonogram was given, but I was not allowed to look at it. I then had to have a psychological evaluation to make sure I was in good mind to go through with it. It took 5 minutes and even though I was crying and shaking, they said I was okay. When they saw that I might back out, they were like salespeople trying to make a sale. Then, it was time.

I was given no anesthetic and was strapped down to the bed. I then went through the most traumatic and painful experience I have ever had. I screamed uncontrollably and the nurses were screaming at me to "shut-up". If I moved, my cervix and uterus would be destroyed. I could feel pools of warm blood oozing down my thighs and the suction was so powerful that it felt like my entire insides were being pulled out. When I begged them to stop and asked if it was over, they replied, "we have to make sure all the parts are here". Parts?

I thought this was "tissue"? I pushed a nurse out of the way and there I saw, my precious baby boy in pieces. There were body parts just tossed in a beaker. They quickly hid the evidence from me and sent me to recovery. The room had a few other girls and we were all in the fetal position, weeping. I was sent home with no plans to recheck me later and as I walked to the bus, I bled so badly that it soaked through my pants and down my legs. I arrived home and my parents kept asking how I was. I convinced them that everything was great , it was easy.

Quickly, I crawled into my bed and wept feeling sad and empty and saying over and over, "I am so sorry". After that day, the abortion was never mentioned and completely blocked from my mind until I started experiencing Post Abortion Syndrome. May God have mercy on their precious souls."

In Memory of my son Christopher December 1, 1987- April 6, 1988

4/20/99

My exposure to abortion came when I was 15 years old.  I had taken my first job in the histology lab at a hospital in San Diego.  (This lab is where anything removed from the human body is examined by a pathologist.)  When I walked into the lab that first day, I saw a jar with a baby in it.  When I asked why it was there, the doctor told me it was an anencephalic baby that had been aborted, and since it was so unusual, they had decided to keep it.  Even at that tender age, I felt that something was wrong with that - this wasn't a frog or "specimen" - it was a baby.
    It wasn't long before I, too, learned to think of her as a "specimen."  It was the only way I could deal with my job, which included doing the "gross examination" of all the abortions that had been done on the days I worked.  I was trained to identify fetal parts and placental tissue, and to determine the sex of those babies that were aborted by saline/prostaglandin injection.   Very quickly I became numb to what I was doing and, while I was definitely against abortion, I was in total denial about my own feelings about the job - until I got married, and was desperate to have a baby of my own.
    After 18 months of trying to get pregnant, and being subjected to infertility testing, my husband and I were finally told that we would never be able to conceive.  During that time, all the feelings I'd been repressing/suppressing for six years began to come to the surface.  I became very depressed, and eventually suicidal.  My husband didn't understand what I was feeling, and refused to let me quit my job.  (At the time I was very angry with him, but I realize now that we were both too young and immature to handle what was happening.)  Finally, in December of 1979, I admitted myself to a mental health unit of a local hospital.  I was really afraid that I would hurt myself if something didn't change.
     Unfortunately, my husband still didn't "get it," and the staff at the hospital was very uncomfortable with why I thought I was there.  I was told that it was "too upsetting to the other patients," so I shouldn't share what I had gone through, or how I was feeling. During my three-month stay they convinced me that my depression was really caused by my "rigid religious beliefs, a bad marriage, and a controlling family." So - I divorced my husband, walked away from God, walked away from my family, and walked into the world, where I stayed for almost two years.  I was still very depressed, and dependent on antidepressants and Valium to cope.  I felt lost and alone - and crazy.
   Fortunately, God never left me alone, and when I reached another "low," I gave my life back into His care, and with His help and the help of a wonderful, compassionate church, was able to put my life back together.  I put my experiences with abortion behind me, and "went on with my life."  Yet, as hard as I tried to forget it, the abortion issue haunted me.
   Then, in 1983, I decided to attend a nine-month Bible school offered by my church. One of the requirements was that each student had to be involved in a ministry every week.  I didn't know what to do, so I offered to help one of the pastors on staff with whatever he needed.  After a few months he offered me a ministry opportunity.  The church had been approached by a crisis pregnancy center that was looking for a liaison from our church.  Because of my background, he immediately thought of me. You can imagine what I thought - "You've got to be kidding!"  He was very surprised at my response, and simply asked me to pray about it.  While I agreed to pray, I silently told myself - and God - that this was not what He would want me to do!
    I continued to resist even the possibility of being involved in this ministry, until the Lord spoke loudly and clearly through His Word.  I had been reading through the book of Isaiah as part of my studies, and when I came to chapter 54, I felt God had written it to me: "Sing, O barren, you who have not borne!  Break forth into singing, and cry aloud; you who have not labored with child!  For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman, says the Lord."  When I finished reading that chapter, I knew what God had called me to do.
    Within six months, I was in full-time ministry as the Director of Silent Voices - not the CBC down the street, but an outreach of the church I was attending.  I was still in a lot of emotional pain, but over several years, God graciously healed those hurts.  As I began to read about Post Abortion Syndrome, I understood what had happened to me - I wasn't crazy after all!  The job had been crazy!
    Since then, I have been blessed to be in the service of our Lord, and to see Him fulfill all the promises He made to me in Isaiah 54!  While I have never remarried or had children of my own, there are hundreds of children alive who would have been aborted had Silent Voices not been there when their mothers needed help and hope.

Sharon P.